How many words must run through my head before they click and lock into place? So many explanations, so many combinations of noun, verb, adjective, past tense, future tense, pretense.
Pretense.
Is that what I'm looking for? The perfect pretense that will let it all slide like butter off a hot griddle. That will trigger the release mechanism and have everything go clear and free. Clean and separate but not apart entirely. Still together and compatible as before.
It isn't fair. The timing isn't fair. There is to much happening right now and there are too many variables that are slowly turning to constants, blocking the path like pachinko as the small metal ball slowly plinks its way down the machine. I am forcing the ball through the obstacles, breaking through them until it hits a wall and is stuck, damaged, and ultimately done.
It's over.
It's over.
This is my new mantra. These are the words I must keep reminding myself with, a reassuring negative that gives me stability, strength, and sweeps away my fear.
It's over.
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