041 - it's like this

It's like this.

I have three apartment mates, one of whom is at home. The other two are preoccupied with girls at the moment, one with a visiting girlfriend who he hasn't seen in two months and one on our couch with a girl he isn't quite dating.

I am finding myself becoming more and more emotive.

As I contemplate my place in the circles I throw myself into, I feel like I'm harder and harder to get along with. I'm a straight up jackass, I'll admit that, and I'm starting to get that sense that there's no reason why any girl should be at the least bit interested in me. I'm awkward, I'm emotionally abusive, I'm not very good looking, and I never go for the girls I really want to be with. This year alone I broke up a relationship, didn't go for a relationship, and was too much of a wimp to tell the one girl I think I actually love that I love her.

And I said I wasn't the relationship kind of guy in high school. What the fuck is this?

I don't want to go abroad in a relationship. I don't know what I'm planning on doing over there, but I don't. I think I'm spending next semester in solitude, thinking things over with myself and letting myself really just be in a place without distractions. I'm tired of half-assing relationships familial, friendly, and for love, but at this point I don't know how to go beyond that type.

As my roomates sleep in peace with their comfort by their sides, I sit as an emo child with my eyes focused on a computer. Tomorrow I will wake up and go to work in a groggy mist, the cycle endlessly repeating itself. I made out with a girl I don't think I should have been making out with a couple weeks ago.

I have become what I've avoided for so long.